All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned on Homefront
- Don’t ever do laundry in
the basement.
- If before making love,
your wife insists on running to the “lavvy,” she’s up to no good.
- You and your fiancée
will have to call off your engagement temporarily before getting married.
- Trees are green
year-round in River Run, Ohio.
- River Run has only five
employers: the Sloans (Abe, Gloria, Anne, Charlie, Hank, Robert, Linda,
Caroline), Purl Roadhouse (Jeff, Judy, Al, Abe), WREQ (Ginger, Jeff,
Arthur), Brandstaetter’s (Ginger, Anne), and the River Run Courier
(Linda, Judy).
- Socks should be folded
in pairs, not balled up because that wears out the elastic.
- Always be a gentleman in
bed.
- Beware of men who claim
to be old Army buddies of your dead ex-boyfriend.
- Taking down storm
windows in the Spring and putting them back up in the Fall is extremely
important.
- If you ever need a place
to stay in River Run, the Metcalfs will be happy to take you in (Sarah,
Bill Caswell, Charlie, Judy).
- Never lay a prop down on
your line.
- It’s not wise to leave
for a three-week vacation at Lake Ichiwanna when you’re nine months
pregnant.
- Never date someone who’s
on the rebound.
- The Metcalfs’ radio
mysteriously airs a live feed directly from the Black nightclub where
Robert occasionally plays saxophone.
- Salt, sugar, flour, and
shortening are the heart of every modern pantry.
- Pretending to be drunk
is a proven method for snagging yourself an American husband.
- If you’re tired and have
difficulty moving your neck, you’ve got polio.
- You can’t judge America
by…Americans.
- You can carry a LOT of
food in a ’40s-era man’s suit.
- Getting fired or angrily
confronting your boss will only lead to a promotion (Hank, Ginger) or
getting rehired at a higher salary (the Davises, Ginger, Linda on TWO
occasions).
- It’s best not to start
discussing baby names until two weeks after you’ve delivered.
- No woman ever went out
with a man based on the size or the shape of his automobile.
- If your brother’s wife
lies dying in a hospital bed, you’ll be able to drive from Florida to
northern Ohio in less than twelve hours.
- Rubbers are overshoes,
for heaven’s sake.
- If you can’t stand your
boss and his wife, go ahead and complain loudly about them continuously in
their own kitchen – you’ll never be overheard.
- You
have to make money to have money to spend money to make money.
- Caskets are surprisingly
easy to carry all over town by just two people.
- If your adult son never
dates and doesn’t seem the least bit interested in women, don’t be alarmed
– he probably has a secret girlfriend in France.
- Ninety-nine percent of
the time, people will do the right thing if you give them the chance to.
- Don’t be a schmo.
- Illegally inflating land
values in order to exploit the working class’s housing shortage and
driving a man and his family out of town by falsely accusing him of being
a Communist are perfectly forgivable sins so long as you reconcile with
your estranged wife and your former servants.
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