All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned on Homefront

• Don’t ever do laundry in the basement.
• If before making love, your wife insists on running to the “lavvy,” she’s up to no good.
• You and your fiancée will have to call off your engagement temporarily before getting married.
• Trees are green year-round in River Run, Ohio.
• River Run has only five employers: the Sloans (Abe, Gloria, Anne, Charlie, Hank, Robert, Linda, Caroline), Purl Roadhouse (Jeff, Judy, Al, Abe), WREQ (Ginger, Jeff, Arthur), Brandstaetter’s (Ginger, Anne), and the River Run Courier (Linda, Judy).
• Socks should be folded in pairs, not balled up because that wears out the elastic.
• Always be a gentleman in bed.
• Beware of men who claim to be old Army buddies of your dead ex-boyfriend.
• Taking down storm windows in the Spring and putting them back up in the Fall is extremely important.
• If you ever need a place to stay in River Run, the Metcalfs will be happy to take you in (Sarah, Bill Caswell, Charlie, Judy).
• Never lay a prop down on your line.
• It’s not wise to leave for a three-week vacation at Lake Ichiwanna when you’re nine months pregnant.
• Never date someone who’s on the rebound.
• The Metcalfs’ radio mysteriously airs a live feed directly from the Black nightclub where Robert occasionally plays saxophone.
• Salt, sugar, flour, and shortening are the heart of every modern pantry.
• Pretending to be drunk is a proven method for snagging yourself an American husband.
• If you’re tired and have difficulty moving your neck, you’ve got polio.
• You can’t judge America by…Americans.
• You can carry a LOT of food in a ’40s-era man’s suit.
• Getting fired or angrily confronting your boss will only lead to a promotion (Hank, Ginger) or getting rehired at a higher salary (the Davises, Ginger, Linda on TWO occasions).
• It’s best not to start discussing baby names until two weeks after you’ve delivered.
• No woman ever went out with a man based on the size or the shape of his automobile.
• If your brother’s wife lies dying in a hospital bed, you’ll be able to drive from Florida to northern Ohio in less than twelve hours.
• Rubbers are overshoes, for heaven’s sake.
• If you can’t stand your boss and his wife, go ahead and complain loudly about them continuously in their own kitchen – you’ll never be overheard.
• You have to make money to have money to spend money to make money.
• Caskets are surprisingly easy to carry all over town by just two people.
• If your adult son never dates and doesn’t seem the least bit interested in women, don’t be alarmed – he probably has a secret girlfriend in France.
• Ninety-nine percent of the time, people will do the right thing if you give them the chance to.
• Don’t be a schmo.
• Illegally inflating land values in order to exploit the working class’s housing shortage and driving a man and his family out of town by falsely accusing him of being a Communist are perfectly forgivable sins so long as you reconcile with your estranged wife and your former servants.

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